[ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME,
WELCOME, WELCOME
TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE PEOPLE
OF TEXAS FOLLOWING TODAY'S
INCIDENT, DETAILS ARE STILL
UNFOLDING.
I AM SURE THERE WILL BE MORE TO
SAY ABOUT THIS IN THE HOURS AND
DAYS AHEAD.
BUT FOR NOW, WE ARE GOING TO
DIVE STRAIGHT IN WITH
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
STATUES OF WHOM WILL SOMEDAY BE
LATER TAKEN DOWN AMID
A STORM OF CONTROVERSY.
>> HUGE DEVELOPMENTS UNFOLDING
IN WASHINGTON THIS HOUR AFTER
SPECIAL COUNSEL UNVEILED
THE FIRST CHARGES IN HIS
INVESTIGATION INTO RUSSIAN
INTERFERENCE IN THE AMERICAN
ELECTION.
>> John: YES, IT'S FINALLY
HAPPENING!
THE FIRST CHARGES IN THE ONGOING
SCANDAL WE'VE BEEN CALLING
"STUPID WATERGATE."
A STORY THAT, LIKE WATERGATE,
COULD WELL END UP TOPPLING
DEMOCRACY, BUT ONLY BECAUSE
ONE OF THESE IDIOTS SLIPPED
ON A BANANA PEEL, YELLED
SOMETHING STUPID LIKE
"UH-OH, SPAGHETTI-O!"
AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED
DEMOCRACY OVER.
IT'S WORTH LOOKING AT MONDAY'S
CHARGES ONE AT A TIME, BECAUSE
THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
LET'S START WITH PAUL MANAFORT,
FORMER TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN,
AND HIS BUSINESS PARTNER,
RICK GATES.
THE RAP SHEET AGAINST THEM
IS IMPRESSIVE.
>> THE 31-PAGE INDICTMENT
CHARGES THAT OVER AT LEAST
10 YEARS, THE TWO MEN SET UP
A SCHEME TO HIDE TENS OF
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN INCOME
THEY RECEIVED FROM A PRO-RUSSIAN
UKRAINIAN POLITICAL PARTY.
PROSECUTORS ALLEGE THE SCHEME
INVOLVED HIDING THAT FOREIGN
WORK, FUNNELING MORE THAN
$75 MILLION THROUGH UNREPORTED
FOREIGN BANK ACCOUNTS,
LAUNDERING TENS OF MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS, AND LYING TO THE IRS
AND TO THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS A LOT.
AND TRUMP MUST BE FURIOUS
WITH THEM, NOT SO MUCH FOR
THE PART WHERE THEY ALLEGEDLY
LIED TO THE GOVERNMENT,
BUT FOR WHERE THEY PRETENDED TO
HAVE LESS MONEY THAN THEY DID.
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THAT
VIOLATES THE TENETS OF WHATEVER
STICKY BACK-ISSUE OF
"FUCKABLE YACHTS" MAGAZINE
TRUMP CONSIDERS
HIS CODE OF ETHICS.
AND WHILE THEY DENY ALL CHARGES,
THE DETAILS ARE DAMNING.
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO
PROSECUTORS, NOT ALL THE MONEY
WAS SQUIRRELED AWAY
IN SHELL COMPANIES AND OVERSEAS
BANK ACCOUNTS.
SOME OF IT WAS USED
TO GO SHOPPING.
>> ACCORDING TO THE INDICTMENT,
MANAFORT USED THE MONEY TO QUOTE
"ENJOY A LAVISH LIFESTYLE,"
SPENDING NEARLY
A MILLION DOLLARS ON
ANTIQUE RUGS AND MORE THAN
1.3 MILLION ON FANCY CLOTHES.
>> John: OVER $2 MILLION
ON RUGS AND CLOTHES?
I CAN'T SPEAK TO THE QUALITY
OF HIS RUGS, BUT HOW THE FUCK
IS THIS GUY SPENDING THAT MUCH
ON CLOTHING?
HE LOOKS LIKE HE BOUGHT ALL THE
SUITS HE WAS GOING TO WEAR FOR
THE REST OF HIS LIFE ON ONE DAY
IN 1982 WITH A CASHIER'S CHECK
FOR $900.
AND WHEN JOURNALISTS TRIED
TO FIND OUT WHERE HE GOT HIS
CLOTHES, CALLING A NUMBER
OF HIGH-END BOUTIQUES,
THEY GOT EITHER DENIALS
OR "NO COMMENTS"
FROM CANALI, ISAIA,
HOUSE OF BIJAN,
ZEGNA, AND BRIONI.
WHICH IS A LITTLE SURPRISING,
BECAUSE WHAT BRAND WOULDN'T
WANT, AS ITS PUBLIC FACE,
A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE AN EXTRA
FROM A DIRECT-TO-DVD MOBSTER
MOVIE WHO FELL ASLEEP
IN A TANNING BED?
BUT IF I MAY QUOTE
THE TSA AGENT ASSIGNED TO
INSPECT MARIAH CAREY'S CARRY ON,
"LET'S SET ASIDE
THE $1.3 MILLION IN CLOTHES
FOR JUST A MINUTE."
AND LET'S ASK THE QUESTION
TRUMP ASKS HIMSELF EVERY MOMENT
OF EVERY DAY:
HOW DOES DONALD TRUMP
FIT INTO THIS?
WELL, TO HEAR HIM TELL IT,
HE DOESN'T.
>> THE PRESIDENT REVEALED
HIS THOUGHTS IN TWO TWEETS.
"SORRY, BUT THIS IS YEARS AGO
BEFORE PAUL MANAFORT WAS PART OF
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
BUT WHY AREN'T CROOKED HILLARY
AND THE DEMS THE FOCUS?"
ADDING ALSO "THERE IS NO
COLLUSION," WRITING THAT LAST
BIT IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
>> John: WOW.
ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A FORCEFUL
DENIAL SINCE EVERY MEN'S
CLOTHING STORE IN TWO MAJOR
AMERICAN CITIES DENIED SUPPLYING
MANAFORT WITH A CLOSETFUL OF
BOXY, OFF-THE-RACK JACKETS FROM
THE "DAD'S OPEN-CASKET FUNERAL"
COLLECTION.
AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT TRUMP'S
DEFENSE HERE, WHICH HE
DEFINITELY HASN'T,
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY STRANGE.
HE'S ESSENTIALLY SAYING,
"MANAFORT HAD ALREADY DONE
ALL THIS STUFF AT THE TIME I,
DONALD TRUMP, DECIDED TO HIRE
HIM AS MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER."
WHICH MEANS ONE OF TWO THINGS:
EITHER TRUMP DID A BACKGROUND
CHECK, DISCOVERED HIS SUSPICIOUS
ACTIVITY, AND DIDN'T CARE.
OR HE DIDN'T SO MUCH AS GOOGLE
MANAFORT BEFORE HIRING HIM.
BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS MANAFORT
IS DODGY.
HE'S REPRESENTED THE INTERESTS
OF STRONGMEN AND DICTATORS
AROUND THE WORLD,
INCLUDING FERDINAND MARCOS,
MOBUTU, VIKTOR YANUKOVYCH
AND RUSSIAN OLIGARCH
OLEG DERIPASKA, THE LAST TWO OF
WHOM HAD CLOSE TIES TO PUTIN.
IN FACT, IT'S SINCE COME TO
LIGHT THAT MANAFORT MAY HAVE
BEEN IN DEBT TO PRO-RUSSIA
INTERESTS BY AS MUCH AS
$17 MILLION.
AND THE MORE WE LEARN ABOUT HIM,
THE SHADIER HE GETS.
>> PROSECUTORS HAVE NOTED THAT
MANAFORT HAS THREE U.S.
PASSPORTS WITH DIFFERENT NUMBERS
AND RECENTLY TRAVELED ABROAD
WHILE USING A PHONE AND EMAIL
REGISTERED UNDER AN ALIAS.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
WHO OUTSIDE OF JASON BOURNE
NEEDS THREE SEPARATE PASSPORTS
AND AN ALIAS?
BESIDES, OF COURSE,
THE OLSEN TWIN.
BECAUSE SHE'S GOT ONE FOR
MARY-KATE,
ONE FOR ASHLEY, AND ONE
FOR HILARY DUFF.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THERE'S ALSO
NO HILARY DUFF.
IT'S JUST ONE OLSEN TWIN MOVING
BACK AND FORTH VERY QUICKLY AND
THEN CHANGING HER HAIR AND FACE
SIGNIFICANTLY AND STANDING STILL
IN A DIFFERENT PLACE.
I'M CLOSE!
I'M SO CLOSE!
TO BLOWING THIS CHARADE APART.
NOW, TRUMP HAS ARGUED
MANAFORT WAS JUST WITH THE
CAMPAIGN FOR A VERY SHORT PERIOD
OF TIME.
BUT HE HELD TOP POSITIONS
WITHIN IT FOR FIVE MONTHS,
DURING WHICH TIME, HE NOT ONLY
ORGANIZED THE CONVENTION,
HE ALSO SPOKE ON THE CAMPAIGN'S
BEHALF, WITH DECIDEDLY
MIXED RESULTS.
>> SO TO BE CLEAR, MR. TRUMP HAS
NO FINANCIAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH
ANY RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS?
>> THAT -- THAT'S WHAT HE SAID
AND THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WHAT THE --
OUR POSITION IS.
>> John: WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
INHERENTLY SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT
RESPONSE AT ALL, EXCEPT FOR
THE SWEATINESS, THE STUMBLING,
AND THE FACT YOU COULDN'T EVEN
HOLD EYE CONTACT
WITH THE CAMERA.
ALSO WHILE MANAFORT MAY HAVE
BEEN GONE BEFORE THE ELECTION,
GATES, HIS PARTNER,
WHO PROSECUTORS SAY HAD
55 BANK ACCOUNTS, HELPED RUN
THE INAUGURAL COMMITTEE
AND HAS BEEN A FREQUENT VISITOR
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
SO, AGAIN, THE QUESTION IS:
DID TRUMP KNOW ALL OF THIS
AND NOT CARE?
OR DID HE KNOW NONE OF IT
BECAUSE HE'S INCOMPETENT?
IN OTHER WORDS:
IS TRUMP SMART ENOUGH
TO BE EVIL?
AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER THAT,
CONSIDER THE GENUINELY
SURPRISING NEWS FROM MONDAY,
THE GUILTY PLEA FROM
GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS, THE FORMER
TRUMP CAMPAIGN STAFFER AND REAL
COOL DUDE, WHO HAS NOW ADMITTED
TO LYING TO THE FBI.
HE COULD BE A REAL PROBLEM.
BECAUSE WE NOW KNOW, NOT ONLY
DID PAPADOPOULOS HAVE CONTACT
WITH THE RUSSIANS DURING
THE CAMPAIGN, WHO APPARENTLY
TOLD HIM THAT THEY HAD
"DIRT" ON HILLARY CLINTON,
BUT HE MENTIONED HIS RUSSIAN
CONTACTS TO THE CAMPAIGN,
WHO RESPONDED LIKE THIS.
>> A TRUMP CAMPAIGN SUPERVISOR
TOLD PAPADOPOULOS, "I WOULD
ENCOURAGE YOU TO PURSUE CONTACT
WITH RUSSIANS' AND THAT HE HAD
DONE 'GREAT WORK.'"
>> John: IT SPEAKS TO THE
SHEER STUPIDITY OF THE PEOPLE
INVOLVED THAT THEY SO OFTEN LEFT
WRITTEN RECORDS OF THEIR
POTENTIALLY CRIMINAL ACTIONS.
IT'S LIKE IF DURING WATERGATE,
WE HAD AN E-MAIL CHAIN OF
HOWARD HUNT SAYING
"ABOUT TO BREAK IN!"
AND NIXON REPLYING "NOICE!"
BUT THIS WOULDN'T BE STUPID
WATERGATE WITHOUT SOME TRULY
IDIOTIC DETAILS.
BECAUSE ONE OF PAPADOPOULOS'S
FORMER PROFESSORS DESCRIBED HIM
AS "ZEALOUS AND A BIT SIMPLE,"
WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, IS ALSO HOW
YOU WOULD DESCRIBE
A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
IN ISIS, AND SOME OF HIS RUSSIAN
SOURCES TURNED OUT TO BE
PRETTY UNIMPRESSIVE.
>> PAPADOPOULOS WAS IN LONDON,
MEETING WITH HIS RUSSIAN
CONNECTIONS, INCLUDING A WOMAN
HE THOUGHT WAS VLADIMIR PUTIN'S
NIECE BUT TURNS OUT WAS NOT.
>> John: THAT'S RIGHT.
WE ARE NOW LIVING IN AN ERA WHEN
THE TOP "NEW YORK TIMES"
HEADLINE COULD CONCEIVABLY HAVE
BEEN: "SHADES McCOOL
GOT CATFISHED BY A FAKE PUTIN
NIECE."
TRUMP IS NOW ALSO DESPERATELY
TRYING TO DISTANCE HIMSELF
FROM PAPADOPOULOS, CALLING HIM
A LOW-LEVEL VOLUNTEER,
WHICH IS A PRETTY WEAK DEFENSE,
BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID TRUMP CALL
HIM AN "EXCELLENT GUY,"
THEY WERE PHOTOGRAPHED TOGETHER
IN A NATIONAL SECURITY MEETING
DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
THAT PHOTOGRAPH WAS RELEASED
EARLIER THIS WEEK, WHEN THE SEAL
ON GRAND JURY TESTIMONY --
I'M JUST KIDDING.
TRUMP POSTED IT TO HIS INSTAGRAM
LAST MARCH.
OF COURSE HE DID.
AND WHILE THAT PHOTO LOOKS
PRETTY DAMNING, THE WHITE HOUSE
THIS WEEK INSISTED IT
MEANT NOTHING.
>> SARAH, HOW CAN YOU DESCRIBE
MR. PAPADOPOULOS AS HAVING
A LIMITED ROLE WHEN THERE'S
A PHOTOGRAPH OF MR. PAPADOPOULOS
SITTING AT A TABLE WITH
THEN-CANDIDATE TRUMP
AT A NATIONAL SECURITY MEETING?
>> THE PRESIDENT HAS THOUSANDS
OF PHOTOGRAPHS WITH MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE SO...
>> John: NOW, SHE'S NOT WRONG
THERE.
TRUMP HAS TAKEN PHOTOS
WITH MANY, MANY PEOPLE.
HERE'S ONE OF HIM
WITH O.J. SIMPSON.
HERE'S ONE OF TRUMP
AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
HERE HE IS WITH GRIMACE.
SO THE PRESIDENT HAS SMILED
FOR PHOTOS WITH MURDERERS,
SEXUAL PREDATORS AND, IN THE
CASE OF GRIMACE, BOTH.
BUT THE POINT IS, NONE OF THEM
GOT TO SIT AT THE TABLE WITH
TRUMP AND HIS CAMPAIGN STAFF.
AND WHEN HE WAS ASKED ON FRIDAY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT
MEETING, THIS WAS HIS RESPONSE.
>> I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT
THAT MEETING.
IT WAS A VERY UNIMPORTANT
MEETING.
TOOK PLACE A LONG TIME --
DON'T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT IT.
>> John: OH, YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
THAT'S CONVENIENT.
ALTHOUGH SLIGHTLY UNDERCUT BY
ONE OF TRUMP'S FAVORITE BOASTS.
>> PEOPLE KNOW ME FOR MY MEMORY.
IT'S CALLED, LIKE, UP HERE
AND IT'S CALLED MEMORY
AND IT'S CALLED OTHER THINGS.
I'M FORTUNATE THAT I HAVE
A GOOD MEMORY.
I HAVE A GOOD MEMORY.
I HAVE, LIKE, A GOOD MEMORY.
I HAVE A VERY GOOD MEMORY.
I HAVE A GOOD MEMORY,
LIKE, A GREAT MEMORY.
I HAVE A GREAT MEMORY.
ONE OF THE GREAT MEMORIES
OF ALL TIME.
>> John: YEAH, AND THERE'S
JUST NO WAY TO RECONCILE THOSE
TWO POSITIONS, ALTHOUGH TRUMP
HAS TRIED IN THE PAST.
WHEN HE WAS ASKED DURING
A DEPOSITION IN 2015 ABOUT
CLAIMING HE HAD ONE OF THE
WORLD'S GREAT MEMORIES, HE SAID,
AND I QUOTE:
"I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING THAT.
AS GOOD AS MY MEMORY IS,
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
BUT I HAVE A GOOD MEMORY."
SO, RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE THREE
PEOPLE FROM THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN,
FACING SERIOUS CHARGES ABOUT
THEIR ENTANGLEMENTS OVERSEAS.
AND IN ALL THREE CASES, TRUMP'S
PUSHBACK HAS BASICALLY BEEN,
"I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE
PEOPLE I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THOSE
THINGS ABOUT."
IT'S HIS SIGNATURE MOVE.
HE'S PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD.
AND WHAT I MEAN BY THAT IS,
HE'S USING HIS OWN INCOMPETENCE
AS A DEFENSE.
IT'S THE SAME WAY YOU MIGHT
EXCUSE THE BEHAVIOR OF A DOG
OR A SMALL CHILD.
IF YOU FOUND YOUR DOG
PISSING ON A RUG, AND THEN
YOUR CHILD URINATING ON THE DOG,
YOU'D THINK, "YES, I'M ANNOYED,
BUT THEY'RE IDIOTS WHO DON'T
KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING, SO THEY
GET TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS ONE."
THAT IS THE TRUMP CARD.
AND THE WORRYING THING HERE IS,
IT MAY WORK FOR TRUMP.
BECAUSE THINK ABOUT WHAT
THE COUNTERARGUMENT WOULD BE.
"THIS IS A METICULOUS MAN WHO
MADE STRATEGIC DECISIONS,
FULLY AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES
OF HIS ACTIONS."
THAT'S A TOUGH CASE TO MAKE.
BUT WE CAN'T ACCEPT THE TRUMP
CARD AS HIS DEFENSE.
BECAUSE IF WE DO, THINK ABOUT
WHAT WE ACTUALLY BE SAYING.
"LOOK, THIS GUY'S TOO DUMB
TO REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S
DOING, SO I GUESS WE HAVE
NO CHOICE BUT TO LET HIM
KEEP BEING PRESIDENT."
PLEASE LET'S NOT DO THAT.
AND NOW THIS.
>> HALLOWEEN HAS COME TO CHANNE.
>> WE ARE THE MINIONS.
>> MISSION FROM GOD.
>> MARIO.
>> [LAUGHS]
>> NICE.
>> THIS IS KATE, ONE OF OUR
INTERNS.
>> I'VE GOT TO WATCH MY
CORNSTALKS.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS.
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE TO PUT --
>> TWO SECONDS.
>> REALLY FAST?
>> WE CAN'T HAVE YOU READING THE
NEWS IN A COSTUME.
IT JUST DOESN'T WORK.
>> DEVELOPMENTS MA
HOUSTON COUNTY TRUCK BOMBING
CASE COMING UP.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
JOBS, LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON
ANYONE GETS UP BEFORE 11:00 A.M.
POLITICIANS CARE ABOUT JOBS MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE, AS YOU CAN
TELL FROM HOW OFTEN THEY
MENTION THEM.
>> THESE ARE THE THINGS I HAVE
FOCUSED ON: JOBS, JOBS, JOBS.
>> JOBS, JOBS, JOBS.
>> JOBS, JOBS, AND JOBS.
PERIOD.
>> JOBS, JOBS, JOBS.
>> IT'S ABOUT JOBS, JOBS, JOBS,
GOOD PAYING JOBS.
>> IT'S ABOUT JOBS.
JOBS, JOBS, JOBS, AND MORE JOBS,
AMERICAN JOBS.
>> John: POLITICIANS SEEM
TO THINK THAT JOBS ARE LIKE
"BEETLEJUICE."
IF YOU JUST SAY THE WORD
A MAGIC NUMBER OF TIMES,
EVENTUALLY, THEY'LL JUST POP UP
OUT OF NOWHERE.
MORE SPECIFICALLY TONIGHT,
I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT ONE OF
THE WAYS POLITICIANS TRY
TO CREATE JOBS:
ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT INCENTIVES.
AND I KNOW THAT DOESN'T
SOUND INTERESTING --
WAIT!
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE PUTTING ME
PICTURE-IN-PICTURE?
IS THAT "ENTOURAGE: THE MOVIE"?
FINE!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SWITCH OVER THE AUDIO.
LISTEN TO THE FIRST LINE.
YOU'LL BE BACK.
>> I MAY HAVE TO JERK IT
BEFORE WE EVEN GET THERE.
>> John: OH!
HOW ABOUT THAT?
ALL OF A SUDDEN, A SHOW ABOUT
ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT DOESN'T
SEEM LIKE THE WORST THING
YOU COULD BE WATCHING, DOES IT?
SO, AS I WAS SAYING,
ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT INCENTIVES
ARE ESSENTIALLY WHEN STATE AND
LOCAL GOVERNMENTS OFFER PERKS TO
COMPANIES TO ENTICE THEM TO
BUILD OR EXPAND IN THEIR AREA.
HERE IN NEW YORK,
THERE'S A PROGRAM CALLED
"START-UP NEW YORK" WHICH
LAUNCHED WITH SOME PRETTY
ASTOUNDING TAX BREAKS.
>> STARTUP NEW YORK CREATES
ZERO TAX ZONES
FOR NEW BUSINESSES
FOR TEN YEARS,
ZERO PROPERTY TAX,
ZERO CORPORATE TAX,
ZERO BUSINESS TAX,
AND ZERO INCOME TAX.
>> John: WOW.
ZERO PROPERTY, CORPORATE,
BUSINESS AND INCOME TAX.
I BELIEVE THAT SOUND YOU
JUST HEARD WAS DONALD TRUMP
GETTING AN ERECTION.
WAIT FOR IT.
AND IT'S GONE AGAIN.
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, LITTLE BUDDY.
LOOK, IT'S NOT JUST NEW YORK.
ALL 50 STATES OFFER SOME KIND OF
INCENTIVES, LIKE TAX BREAKS,
TO ATTRACT COMPANIES.
AND THE ARGUMENT IS, THEY
ATTRACT EMPLOYERS, WHICH ATTRACT
JOBS, WHICH LEAD TO SPENDING,
WHICH CREATES MORE JOBS,
AND SO ON AND SO ON.
AND MANY PLACES HAVE BOUGHT INTO
THIS HARD, TRYING TO OUTBID
ONE ANOTHER FOR BUSINESSES.
INDIANA EVEN ONCE TOOK OUT
ATTACK ADS ON OTHER STATES,
LIKE THIS BILLBOARD, WHICH READ:
"ILLINOYED BY HIGHER TAXES?
COME TO INDIANA, A STATE
THAT WORKS."
AND THAT'S PRETTY AGGRESSIVE,
THOUGH IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH TAMER
THAN THEIR ORIGINAL BILLBOARD,
"JUST ARKAN-SAW YOUR TAX BILL?
IDA-HOPE YOU LIKE
OUR TAX BREAKS.
BECAUSE IF YOU COLORA-DON'T,
WE'LL CONNECTI-CUT
YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF."
AND IF A COMPANY'S BIG ENOUGH,
IT CAN EVEN START A BIDDING WAR
ITSELF.
THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
WITH AMAZON.
THEY'RE PLANNING TO BUILD
A SECOND HEADQUARTERS SOMEWHERE
IN NORTH AMERICA, AND THEY'RE
MAKING GOVERNMENTS BID FOR THEM.
THEY EVEN RELEASED EIGHT PAGES
OF INSTRUCTIONS FOR CANDIDATES,
TELLING THEM
"TO THINK BIG AND BE CREATIVE,"
WHICH LED MANY CITIES TO DO
STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS.
>> OVERNIGHT, THE BIG APPLE
LOOKING MORE LIKE AN ORANGE.
NEW YORK CITY MAYOR
BILL de BLASIO LIGHTING UP THE
CITY IN "AMAZON ORANGE."
>> THE CITY OF BIRMINGHAM IS
USING GIANT AMAZON BOXES TO TRY
TO GET AMAZON'S ATTENTION.
>> STONECREST, GEORGIA, OFFERING
TO CREATE A NEW TOWN OF AMAZON,
GEORGIA.
>> John: THEY WOULD CREATE A NEW
TOWN AND NAME IT AMAZON.
TO COMPETE, I'M SURPRISED THAT
OMAHA, NEBRASKA, DIDN'T OFFER
TO LET JEFF BEZOS KILL ANY THREE
PEOPLE HE LIKES, BECAUSE
YOU KNOW HE WOULD.
LOOK AT HIM.
HE WANTS IT SO BAD.
IT'S THE ONLY THING
HE CAN'T HAVE AND HE WANTS IT.
AND NUMEROUS MAYORS MADE DIRECT
APPEALS TO AMAZON, WITH VIDEOS
ENDING IN VERSIONS OF THE SAME
BAD JOKE.
>> HEY, ALEXA, WHERE SHOULD
AMAZON LOCATE HQ2?
>> HMM.
IN FRISCO, TEXAS.
>> ALEXA, WHERE IS THE MOST
INTERESTING COMPANY IN THE WORLD
GONNA LOCATE?
>> OBVIOUSLY, WASHINGTON DC.
>> SO ALEXA, WHERE IS THE BEST
PLACE FOR AMAZON TO LOCATE
ITS SECOND WORLD HEADQUARTERS?
>> DANBURY, CONNECTICUT.
>> I TOLD YOU SO.
>> John: MY ONE AND ONLY WORRY
WITH ALL OF THOSE ADS,
AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY,
ARE THEY ALMOST TOO HILARIOUS?
BUT THOSE STUNTS ARE JUST
WINDOW DRESSING.
WHAT AMAZON CARES MORE ABOUT,
AS THEY MENTIONED IN THEIR
INSTRUCTIONS 21 SEPARATE TIMES,
ARE TAX INCENTIVES.
AND WHILE FEW PLACES ARE
REVEALING WHAT THEY OFFERED,
WE DO KNOW THAT NEW JERSEY
REPORTEDLY OFFERED $7 BILLION
IN TAX BREAKS,
WHICH IS AN INSANE AMOUNT THAT
OTHER PLACES MAY HAVE TO COMPETE
WITH.
AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS.
THAT COULD BE BILLIONS OF TAX
DOLLARS THAT DON'T GO TO ROADS
OR SCHOOLS OR HOSPITALS.
AND AMAZON ALREADY HAS MORE
MONEY THAN IT KNOWS
WHAT TO DO WITH.
HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN
THE EXISTENCE OF "GOLIATH,"
A SHOW THAT --
AND THIS IS TRUE --
LITERALLY NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN.
NOBODY, NO HUMAN, NO ANIMAL.
NOBODY, NO ONE.
DOES IT EXIST?
AND THAT'S THE THING.
WE GIVE COMPANIES A LOT OF MONEY
THROUGH THESE INCENTIVES.
BY ONE ESTIMATE, IN 2015,
THEY COST STATE AND LOCAL
GOVERNMENTS $45 BILLION.
AND THAT MONEY CAN GO TO SOME
QUESTIONABLE PROJECTS.
FOR INSTANCE, A FEW YEARS AGO,
KENTUCKY TOOK A BIG SWING
ON THIS.
>> A FULL SIZED REPLICA OF
NOAH'S ARK IS DRAWING THOUSANDS
OF VISITORS TO WILLIAMSTOWN,
KENTUCKY.
>> THIS IS THE ARK ENCOUNTER,
A CHAPTER FROM GENESIS TOLD
ON A $100 MILLION BUDGET.
FOUR FLOORS OF NOAH, HIS FAMILY,
AND BEASTS, GREAT AND SMALL.
>> THE PROJECT RECEIVED
$18 MILLION IN KENTUCKY
TAX INCENTIVES.
>> John: $18 MILLION
OF TAX BREAKS!
FOR A GIGANTIC ARK MUSEUM!
AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT'S AN INHERENTLY BAD IDEA.
I DO KIND OF WANT TO SEE IT,
ESPECIALLY AS ITS WEBSITE
GENUINELY HAS A SECTION DEVOTED
TO THE QUESTION "WHAT ABOUT ALL
THE MANURE?"
THE ANSWER, APPARENTLY,
IS "SLATTED FLOORS
ON MULTIPLE-LEVEL CAGES."
WHICH IS NOT A GOOD ANSWER,
BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE
THE ANIMAL ON THE LOWEST LEVEL
OF THAT SHIP.
AND WHILE THE ARK CLEARLY
CREATED SOME JOBS, THERE WERE
SOME CAVEATS TO THOSE POSITIONS.
>> CRITICS COMPLAIN OF
DISCRIMINATION IN HIRING.
ONLY CHRISTIANS.
NO GAYS OR LESBIANS,
AND SINGLE PEOPLE HAVE TO SIGN
A CHASTITY PLEDGE.
>> John: OH, COME ON.
ASIDE FROM THE HOMOPHOBIA,
CHASTITY IS A PRETTY WEIRD RULE
TO PUT IN PLACE FOR THE MUSEUM
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH A GIGANTIC
REPLICA OF A FLOATING FUCK-ZOO.
THEY WEREN'T BROUGHT IN TWO
BY TWO SO EVERYONE WOULD HAVE
A SWIM BUDDY.
THEY WERE ON THAT BOAT TO FUCK.
TO FUCK.
BUT THE JUSTIFICATION FOR TAKING
A GAMBLE ON A GIGANTIC ARK
WAS THAT IT WOULD BE A BOON
TO THE WHOLE AREA.
AND TO HEAR AT LEAST ONE LOCAL
OFFICIAL TELL IT, THE ECONOMIC
IMPACT HAS BEEN UNDERWHELMING.
>> THE ARK'S SUCCESS HAS NOT
HAD THE RIPPLE EFFECT
MANY HOPED IT WOULD.
>> DOWNTOWN WILLIAMSTOWN, WHICH
WAS EXPECTING INCREASED CAR AND
FOOT TRAFFIC HAS ALMOST AS MANY
EMPTY STOREFRONTS AS OCCUPIED
STOREFRONTS.
>> WHAT'S IT MEANT FOR DOWNTOWN
WILLIAMSTOWN?
>> NOTHING.
I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND NEGATIVE
IN THIS INTERVIEW,
BUT THERE'S NOTHING HERE.
>> John: YEAH, THAT KIND OF
MAKES SENSE.
BECAUSE ONCE YOU'VE SPENT THREE
HOURS WALKING AROUND
A WOODEN BOAT WITH SEXUALLY
FRUSTRATED TOUR GUIDES,
AND HAUNTED BY THE MENTAL IMAGE
OF A MISERABLE ZEBRA
NECK-DEEP IN SHIT BECAUSE
APPARENTLY DECKS WERE ASSIGNED
ALPHABETICALLY, YOU'RE PROBABLY
GONNA SKIP LUNCH IN TOWN.
AND LOOK, A WELL-DESIGNED,
MONITORED PROGRAM WITH
CLEAR GOALS MIGHT MAKE SENSE
TO AN AREA.
BUT TOO OFTEN, THE TERMS
ARE EXTREMELY LAX.
SOME DON'T REQUIRE THAT JOBS
BE CREATED AT ALL.
AND SOME REQUIRE ALMOST
LAUGHABLY FEW.
REMEMBER "STARTUP NEW YORK"?
ZERO TAXES FOR A DECADE?
[WHISTLE]
I'M SORRY.
IT'LL PASS.
THAT PROGRAM ONLY REQUIRED
TO CREATE ONE NEW JOB A YEAR,
AND THE STATE RECENTLY
CONSIDERED SCALING THAT BACK TO
ONE NEW JOB IN THE FIRST
FIVE YEARS.
AND SOMETIMES, THESE INCENTIVES
ARE GIVEN OUT EVEN WHEN THEY MAY
NOT BE NECESSARY.
TAKE A LOOK AT
FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA.
YOU'RE NOT WRONG.
FARGO GAVE A TAX BREAK
TO FEDEX WHEN THEY MOVED
A FACILITY TO THEIR CITY.
WHY DID THEY NEED TO?
JUST LISTEN TO WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN ONE CITY COUNCIL MEMBER
QUESTIONED A FEDEX
REPRESENTATIVE.
>> MR. WILSON, IF YOU DON'T GET
THIS EXEMPTION, WILL YOU STILL
MOVE TO FARGO?
>> YES, SIR, WE WILL.
>> OKAY.
>> John: YET TEN MINUTES LATER,
THE COUNCIL VOTED TO GIVE FEDEX
THAT EXEMPTION.
ALSO IF SOMEONE WANTS
TO WILLINGLY MOVE TO FARGO, YOU
DON'T OFFER THEM TAX INCENTIVES.
YOU SIMPLY OFFER THEM A FULL
PSYCHOLOGICAL WORKUP THAT STARTS
WITH THE QUESTION,
"WHO DID YOU MURDER?
WE'LL STILL LET YOU LIVE HERE,
BUT WE DO NEED TO KNOW."
AND THEN THERE ARE PROGRAMS
NARROWLY SET UP TO ENCOURAGE
A PARTICULAR INDUSTRY TO GROW.
WHICH SOUNDS GREAT, BUT MAY NOT
LEAD TO GOOD, PERMANENT JOBS.
TAKE FILM AND TV INCENTIVES.
AT SOME POINT IN THE PAST COUPLE
OF DECADES, NEARLY EVERY STATE
DECIDED THEY WANTED TO BE
THE NEXT HOLLYWOOD.
AND NOW, 31 STATES HAVE
INCENTIVE PROGRAMS FOR FILM
OR TV.
THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS,
IF YOU'RE ONE OF THEM, YOU HAVE
30 STATES COMPETING WITH YOU.
AND BECAUSE FILM PRODUCTIONS ARE
PORTABLE, IF YOU TRY AND SCALE
BACK YOUR INCENTIVES, THEY'LL
JUST GO WHEREVER A BETTER DEAL
IS.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS MOVIE
PRODUCER, WHO'S TAKEN ADVANTAGE
OF MULTIPLE STATES' INCENTIVES.
>> I WOULD NEVER MAKE A MOVIE
WHERE I DIDN'T GET AN INCENTIVE
AND I DON'T EVER INTEND TO.
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
IF THERE'S AN INCENTIVE,
IT'S GOOD FOR ME.
>> John: AND LOOK,
HE'S NOT WRONG.
HE LOOKS LIKE EVERY WOMAN'S
WORST EX-BOYFRIEND,
BUT HE IS NOT WRONG.
IT'S NOT HIS JOB TO WORRY ABOUT
WHETHER HIS INCENTIVES
ARE GOOD FOR STATES.
IT'S HIS JOB TO, I'M ASSUMING,
REFER TO SUSHI AS "SUSH."
HE DEFINITELY DOES THAT.
BUT IT SHOULD BE SOMEONE'S JOB
TO WORRY ABOUT THE EFFECTS
OF THESE PROGRAMS.
LOUISIANA FOUND THAT, FOR EVERY
DOLLAR IT SPENT ON ITS FILM
PROGRAM, IT GENERATED JUST
22 CENTS OF TAX REVENUE,
WHICH SOUNDS BAD, BUT IS STILL
BETTER THAN MARYLAND, WHICH MADE
JUST 10 CENTS FOR EVERY DOLLAR
SPENT.
WHICH IS STILL BETTER
THAN CONNECTICUT'S PROGRAM,
WHICH RETURNED ONLY 7 CENTS
ON THE DOLLAR.
THAT'S LIKE PUTTING A DOLLAR
INTO A VENDING MACHINE AND
GETTING A SINGLE YELLOW
STARBURST.
AT SOME POINT WHAT YOU'RE
GETTING OUT IS NOT WORTH WHAT
YOU'RE PUTTING IN.
AND DEFENDERS OF ECONOMIC
INCENTIVES WILL SAY THAT'S JUST
A FRACTION OF THE BROADER
ECONOMIC BENEFIT THEY BRING.
THE PROBLEM IS, THERE'S NOT MUCH
EVIDENCE FOR THAT.
AND I KNOW ACCOUNTING FOR
THE TOTAL ECONOMIC IMPACT
OF ANYTHING IS TRICKY.
BUT WE'RE GAMBLING BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS ON LITTLE MORE THAN
FAITH, AND EVEN BASIC
INFORMATION CAN BE HARD
TO COME BY.
ONE STUDY FOUND THAT
THREE-QUARTERS OF MAJOR STATE
DEVELOPMENT PROGRAMS DON'T EVEN
DISCLOSE ACTUAL JOBS CREATED
OR WORKERS TRAINED.
SO WE'RE BASICALLY THROWING
MONEY DOWN A HOLE AND HOPING IT
BRINGS US PROSPERITY, WHICH IS
THE EXACT BUSINESS MODEL OF
A WISHING WELL.
AND TO SEE THIS AT PERHAPS
ITS MOST POINTLESS, JUST LOOK AT
KANSAS AND MISSOURI.
THEY'VE OFFERED COMPETING TAX
BREAKS TO BUSINESSES FOR YEARS,
WHICH HAS MADE THINGS
PARTICULARLY INTERESTING
IN ONE METRO AREA.
>> SO, I'M IN KANSAS CITY,
MISSOURI.
THAT'S IT BEHIND ME.
THERE IS KANSAS CITY, KANSAS.
TWO STATES, ONE METRO AREA,
BUT BOTH STATES OFFER SUBSIDIES
FOR JOB CREATION.
CREATE A JOB,
YOU GET A TAX BREAK.
SO WHAT DO BUSINESSES DO?
OUR MISSOURI BUSINESS WILL MOVE
SOME EMPLOYEES OVER TO
KANSAS CITY, KANSAS,
AND CLAIM A TAX BREAK.
MOVE 'EM BACK,
CLAIM ANOTHER TAX BREAK.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
FOR INSTANCE, KANSAS CITY,
MISSOURI, LOST CORPORATE OFFICES
FOR ALL THESE COMPANIES
TO KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, WHICH,
IN TURN, LOST OFFICES FOR
ALL THESE COMPANIES TO
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.
AND THAT ISN'T CREATING JOBS ANY
MORE THAN MOVING YOUR COUCH FROM
THE BEDROOM TO THE LIVING ROOM
IS CREATING FURNITURE.
AND THIS WAR HAS COME
AT A REAL COST.
A LOCAL FOUNDATION STUDIED TWO
STATE-LEVEL INCENTIVES PROGRAMS
AND ESTIMATED THAT SINCE 2009,
AROUND 6600 JOBS HAD MOVED FROM
MISSOURI TO KANSAS,
WHILE AROUND 5500 JOBS HAD MOVED
FROM KANSAS TO MISSOURI, MEANING
THERE WAS A NET GAIN OF AROUND
1100 JOBS ON THE KANSAS SIDE OF
THE LINE AT A COMBINED COST TO
THE TWO STATES OF $331 MILLION
IN LOST TAX REVENUE.
AND THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU COULD CREATE A PROGRAM WHERE
THE FIRST 1100 PEOPLE TO MOVE TO
KANSAS CITY FROM MISSOURI
WOULD EACH GET A FERRARI,
WHICH THEY COULD THEN DRIVE
AROUND A GIANT PILE OF
$30 MILLION THE STATE HAD ON
FIRE, AND YOU WOULD ACTUALLY BE
FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE, BECAUSE
YOU WOULD'VE SAVED THE AREA
$20 MILLION.
LOOK, IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT
ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT NEEDS TO BE
DONE IN A MUCH SMARTER WAY.
AND I DON'T BLAME THE COMPANIES
FOR THIS.
BECAUSE IF GOVERNMENTS ARE GOING
TO OFFER RIDICULOUS INCENTIVES,
THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE THEM.
SO GOVERNMENTS NEED TO HOLD
THEMSELVES AND COMPANIES
MORE ACCOUNTABLE.
AND IF COMPANIES AREN'T
PRODUCING WHAT THEY PROMISED,
WE NEED A SYSTEM
TO CLAW OUR MONEY BACK.
BUT TO FIND THAT OUT,
WE'RE GOING TO NEED MUCH MORE
TRANSPARENCY OVER WHERE OUR
AND WHAT WE'RE
GETTING IN RETURN.
ALTHOUGH I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING
I KNOW FOR SURE WE GOT
IN RETURN:
THE "ENTOURAGE" MOVIE.
THAT GOT A $5.8 MILLION
TAX CREDIT FROM CALIFORNIA.
AND WHERE ELSE WERE THEY GOING
TO FILM ENTOURAGE?
IDAHO?
SO, CALIFORNIA, PLEASE KNOW --
YOU INDIRECTLY HAD A HAND
IN PRODUCING A MOVIE WHICH,
MAY I REMIND YOU, HAS THIS
FOR ITS VERY FIRST LINE.
>> I MAY HAVE TO JERK IT BEFORE
WE GET THERE.
>> John: YOU KNOW WHAT?
CONGRATULATIONS,
KENTUCKY ARK MUSEUM!
SOMEHOW, YOU'VE BECOME THE
SECOND-WORST TAXPAYER-SUBSIDIZED
FUCK BOAT IN THIS STORY.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW LET'S
CHECK IN WITH HALLOWEEN TRAFFIC
AND WEATHER.
>> 33 DEGREES.
THAT'S MAKING IT FEEL LIKE 24.
>> THINGS ARE CHANGING RAPIDLY.
>> A FEW CLOUDS, WE ARE
EXPECTING SOME RAIN.
>> 34 HERE BUT WE ARE TAPPING
INTO COLD AIR.
>> SUNDAY THERE'S A COLD FRONT
COMING IN.
I KNOW NONE OF YOU ARE TAKING IT
SERIOUSLY.
>> WE HAVE AN OVERTURNED
SEMITRUCK.
>> HEAVY DELAYS FROM
PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.
>> THE WEATHERMAN.
>> MY HEAD IS FLOATING.
NORTHBOUND TRAFFIC HEADING AWAY
FROM US.
>> ZOMBIES IN THE FORECAST.
>> THE SUSPECTS ARE CHARGED WITH
ACCESSORY TO MURDER.
>> WE ARE SEEING CLEAR SKIES.
>> John: AND FINALLY TONIGHT,
A QUICK WORD ON THE UNITED
STATES POSTAL SERVICE.
DRIVERS OF WINDOWLESS WHITE VANS
YOU CAN ACTUALLY TRUST.
THE POSTAL SERVICE HAS FALLEN ON
HARD TIMES.
IT'S MASSIVELY IN DEBT,
AND LAST YEAR POSTED A LOSS OF
$5.6 BILLION, WHICH IS HARDLY
SURPRISING.
WHY SEND A LETTER WHEN YOU CAN
SEND AN EMAIL?
I MEAN, YOU COULD SEND
A TWO-SENTENCE LETTER IN THE
MAIL TO YOUR FRIEND IN ALL
LOWERCASE THAT READS:
"HEY, FINALLY SAW "THE MARTIAN."
IT WAS OKAY."
BUT THAT WOULD BE
BOTH INEFFICIENT AND WEIRD.
SO THE POSTAL SERVICE IS
CURRENTLY FIGHTING TO STAY
RELEVANT AND COOL,
WHICH IS HARD FOR AN
ORGANIZATION WHOSE UNIFORMS
MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE
A SEXUAL PREDATOR ON SAFARI.
STILL, THEY'RE TRYING TO GET
THEMSELVES OUT THERE.
AND ONE ATTEMPT IS INCREDIBLE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT, SINCE 2015,
THE POSTAL SERVICE HAD ITS OWN
TELEVISION SHOW?
IT'S ON SATURDAY MORNINGS,
AND IT'S CALLED
"THE INSPECTORS," AND WHILE
IT AIRS ON CBS, IT'S THE ONLY
PROGRAM WHOSE BUDGET IS
FUNDED BY THE GOVERNMENT.
AND THE SHOW IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT
YOU'D EXPECT IF A BUNCH OF CIVIL
SERVANTS FROM THE POSTAL SERVICE
HAD THEIR OWN SHOW.
>> I'M PRESTON WAINWRIGHT
AND THIS IS MY MOM AMANDA.
SHE'S A UNITED STATES POSTAL
INSPECTOR, WHICH MEANS
SHE SOLVES ANY CRIME THAT USES
THE MAIL.
MY DAD WAS AN INSPECTOR TOO,
ONE OF THE BEST, UNTIL I LOST
HIM AND THE USE OF MY LEGS
IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
NOW I'M FOLLOWING MY OWN DREAM
WITH AN INTERNSHIP IN THE CRIME
LAB AND THE HELP OF MY BEST
FRIENDS.
TOGETHER WE ARE THE INSPECTORS.
>> John: THE WHOLE THING'S
BASICALLY A MIX OF TEENAGE
SOAP OPERA, A POLICE PROCEDURAL,
AND AN PSA ABOUT HOW TO PROTECT
YOURSELF FROM VARIOUS
MAIL-RELATED CRIMES,
ALL OF WHICH AMOUNTS TO
A KIND OF "CSI: MAILBOX."
ITS STARS INCLUDE THIS GUY,
WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL.
AND YOU MAY THINK I'M JUST
CHERRYPICKING SIMILAR PHOTOS,
BUT I'M NOT.
THEIR PHOTOS ARE ALL SIMILAR.
TELL ME, WHICH OF THESE ACTORS
WAS IN THE "THE BREAKFAST CLUB"
AND WHICH WASN'T?
YOU CAN'T DO IT!
THAT'S MY POINT.
THE PROBLEM IS, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THE INNATELY
AGGRESSIVE TONE OF A COP SHOW
AND POSTAL INSPECTORS
THAT DOESN'T QUITE FIT.
>> I WANT TO SEE MY LAWYER.
I KNOW MY RIGHTS AND I WILL NOT
BE INTIMIDATED BY YOU PEOPLE.
WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY, THE FBI?
>> I TOLD YOU.
WE'RE POSTAL INSPECTORS.
>> WE'RE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
WE'VE GOT A 98% CONVICTION RATE.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO RAISE IT TO 99.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL:
IF A POSTAL INSPECTOR IS YOUR
WORST NIGHTMARE, YOU NEED TO
HAVE WORSE NIGHTMARES.
THERE'S A REASON FREDDY KREUGER
KILLS PEOPLE.
HE DOESN'T FINE THEM
FOR MANUFACTURING COUNTERFEIT
STAMPS.
ALSO ABOUT THAT CONVICTION RATE
LINE, THAT'S NOT HOW NUMBERS
WORK.
SAY THEY'VE CONVICTED 980 OUT
OF 1,000 PEOPLE, GIVING THEM
A 98% CONVICTION RATE.
BY CONVICTING ONE MORE PERSON,
THEIR RATE ISN'T NOW 99.
IT'S 98.1.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T OFTEN SAY THIS ON THIS
SHOW, BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS
OUR OFFICIAL STAMP OF --
NEVER MIND.
DOESN'T MATTER.
LET IT GO.
NEVER MIND.
NOW, THE EPISODES ARE 30 MINUTES
LONG, BUT I CAN ACTUALLY RUN YOU
THROUGH ONE PRETTY QUICKLY.
A RECENT STORY FEATURED
THE POSTAL INSPECTORS GETTING
INVOLVED IN A CYBER-RANSOM CASE
AFTER THEY FIND SOME EVIDENCE ON
AN ENVELOPE, AND THEY WORK FAST.
>> HOPEFULLY GEORGIA CAN MATCH
THIS GUACAMOLE TO THE STUFF
ON THE LETTER.
>> OKAY, WE SHOULD HAVE
THE RESULTS OF THE GUACAMOLE
ANALYSIS IN A FEW MINUTES.
>> AND THE ELEMENTS ON THE
GUACAMOLE SAMPLE YOU BROUGHT IN
TODAY IS ALMOST IDENTICAL TO THE
GUAC ON THE ENVELOPE.
>> FIESTA'S OVER, FRANK.
>> AH.
U.S. POSTAL INSPECTORS
UP AGAINST THE TACO TRUCK.
>> OH, MAN.
>> John: SO THAT'S JUST SOLIDLY
WRITTEN DIALOGUE, EXCEPT FOR
THE PART WHEN THE GUY SAYS,
"OH, MAN."
BECAUSE IF SOMEONE WHIPS OUT
A BADGE AND YELLS, "U.S. POSTAL
INSPECTORS," THE ONLY NATURAL
REACTION IS GOING TO BE,
"YOU GUYS HAVE BADGES?
WHY?"
BUT LOOK, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE CASES.
THIS IS A SHOW THAT WANTS YOU
TO INVEST IN THE HISTORIES
AND COMPLEX EMOTIONS
OF ITS CHARACTERS.
>> WITH ALL THE PREPARATIONS FOR
THIS PARTY, WELL, I JUST
PLUM FORGOT TO GET YOU SOMETHING
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ABOUT IT,
SO I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
I'D JUST, I'D TELL YOU WHY
I BECAME A LETTER CARRIER
AFTER THE MILITARY.
SEE, WHILE I WAS DEPLOYED
OVERSEAS, EVERY DAY I SAW
HOW IMPORTANT A LETTER
OR A CARE PACKAGE FROM HOME
COULD BE TO A SOLDIER WHO WAS
TIRED OR SCARED OR WAS MISSING
HOME, AND I JUST, MADE ALL
THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD,
AND I KNEW THAT WHEN I GOT HOME,
I WANTED TO BE A PART OF THAT
SMILE EVERY DAY.
SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> John: THAT IS OFFICIALLY
THE WORLD'S SHITTIEST BIRTHDAY
PRESENT.
"SORRY I COULDN'T GET YOU
A GIFT, BUT HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU
STAND THERE FOR WHAT WILL FEEL
LIKE AN ETERNITY WHILE I TEAR UP
TALKING ABOUT MAIL?
THAT'S A GIFT, RIGHT?"
I JUST GAVE YOU SOMETHING.
THE POSTAL SERVICE EVEN MADE
THEIR OWN BEHIND-THE-SCENES
VIDEO ON THE SET OF
"THE INSPECTORS," FEATURING
ANTHONY BOOTLEG HALL AND THE
REST OF THE CAST TALKING ABOUT
WHAT A GREAT AGENCY THE USPS IS.
BUT THE BEST AND SADDEST PART
IS WHEN THEY INTERVIEW THE
REAL-LIFE CHIEF POSTAL INSPECTOR
GUY COTTRELL, WHO HAS AN
INTERESTING ASSESSMENT OF HIS
OWN STATUS IN HOLLYWOOD.
>> I CAME HERE STAR STRUCK
LOOKING AT THE ACTORS, AND THE
ACTORS LOOK AT ME AND THE REST
OF THE INSPECTORS HERE JUST AS
STAR STRUCK BECAUSE WE'RE REALLY
THE POSTAL INSPECTORS
DOING THE WORK.
SO AS COOL AS IT IS FOR US TO
SEE A TV SHOW, IT'S JUST AS COOL
FOR THEM TO SEE REAL POSTAL
INSPECTORS.
>> John: NO.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU HAVE BADLY MISINTERPRETED
THE TONE OF THE ACTOR WHO FOUND
OUT HE HAD TO MEET WITH YOU
AND SAID, "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING."
NOW, AS THIS IS A SATURDAY
MORNING PROGRAM, IT IS IDEALLY
SUPPOSED TO BE GEARED
TOWARDS KIDS AND TEENS.
AND YET, WE CHECKED, AND THE
MAIN AUDIENCE FOR THE SHOW
IS 55 AND OLDER,
WHICH IS NOT IDEAL.
BECAUSE THE POSTAL SERVICE NEEDS
TO GET ITS MESSAGE OUT.
THE POINT OF THE SHOW IS
TO EDUCATE VIEWERS ABOUT THINGS
LIKE MAIL FRAUD, IDENTITY THEFT,
AND THE IMPORTANCE OF POSTAL
INSPECTORS.
BUT IT CAN'T DO THAT IF IT ISN'T
REACHING THE RIGHT AUDIENCE.
WHAT THEY NEED TO DO IS INSERT
THEIR MESSAGE INTO EXISTING,
POPULAR SHOWS.
AND HERE'S WHERE WE COME IN.
BECAUSE WE'VE CALLED IN A FEW
FAVORS FROM SOME OF THE MOST
POPULAR SHOWS AROUND,
AND THEY AGREED TO HELP OUT.
FIRST THERE'S THIS.
>> LAYLA MCQUEEN.
YOU STAY.
I NOTICED YOU FORGOT TO CHECK
FOR WATERMARKS ON POSTAL MONEY
ORDERS AND FAILED TO TURN ON TWO
STEP VERIFICATION.
THE POSTAL SERVICE CAN HELP YOU
AVOID SCAMS BUT IF YOU CAN'T
LOVE YOURSELF, HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO BE TRULY SAFE FROM IDENTITY
THEFT?
NOW, SASHAY AWAY.
>> John: TELL ME THAT'S NOT
EDUCATIONAL AND FIERCE.
YOU CAN'T.
BECAUSE IT IS BOTH!
BUT NOT EVERYONE WATCHES
REALITY SHOWS.
WHAT PEOPLE DO WATCH IS
"THIS IS US", WHICH MAKES YOU
LAUGH AND MAKES YOU CRY
AND MAKES YOU WONDER WHEN THE
FUCK THEY'RE GOING TO EXPLAIN
HOW THE FATHER DIES.
WHY WON'T YOU TELL US,
YOU MONSTERS?
TELL US!
ANYWAY, IF YOU COULD SNEAK SOME
MAIL-RELATED DIALOGUE INTO THAT
ONE, THAT'D BE PRETTY AMAZING,
RIGHT?
TAKE A LOOK.
>> HEY, BABE.
HEY, DID YOU GET THE MAIL TODAY?
>> I DID, AND ONCE AGAIN,
NO SUSPICIOUS OR FRAUDULENT
PACKAGES IN IT.
>> IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE A
POSTAL INSPECTION SERVICE OR I
COULD BE KILLED BY A MAIL BOMB
>> THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.
>> THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT HOW I
DIE.
>> EVEN IF YOU DIED A PREMATURE
DEATH, I DOUBT IT WOULD BE FROM
A MAIL BOMB.
>> I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.
>> John: SEE?
PERFECT.
THE KEY, AS YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN
SO FAR, IS TO DO IT SUBTLY,
JUST MAKE IT A COMPLETELY NORMAL
PART OF A COMPLETELY NORMAL
SCENE.
>> I AM TELLING YOU, IT IS LIKE
THE SYSTEM IS SET UP TO KEEP US
IN HERE.
>> DUH.
IT IS THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL
COMPLEX.
>> EASE UP.
NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BAD.
LET US NOT FORGET ABOUT THE
HARDWORKING MEN AND WOMEN OF THE
UNITED STATES POSTAL INSPECTION
SERVICE.
>> THAT IS TRUE.
THEY GUARD US.
FROM SERIOUS CRIMES.
>> THE USPIS IS TRASH.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
YOU DON'T KNOW THE USPIS.
>> I TOLD YOU TO NOT BE
DISRESPECTING THE POSTAL
INSPECTORS IN FRONT OF HER.
>> IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
MORE, SIMPLY CALL
1-877-876-2455.
>> ALL RIGHT.
I WILL CALL THEM TODAY.
>> John: YOU'RE WELCOME,
POSTAL SERVICE!
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!